As soon as we talk about resolving conflict, people ask, ‘But aren’t there some acceptable reasons for unresolved conflict?’ Yes, there are three. To which they say, ‘Good. I was hoping for some loopholes.’ Bring them on! Before we can do that, we need to find them in the Word of God. Look with me at Romans 12.16-18: “Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
There are three acceptable reasons for unresolved conflict. To be honest though, they are not satisfying if you are fostering hatred in your heart. They all comprise one characteristic—they are all temporary. In all reality it isn’t an issue of resolving or not resolving a conflict. What it is, is delaying the inevitable. It’s a matter of delayed resolution. As the Apostle Paul wrote, “…as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
The first reason for delayed resolution is— ‘I need some time.’ I’m not talking about months or years, but hours and days; or in an extreme situation, you can wait a couple of weeks. This is for when you’re saying, I need to take a breath. I need some time to get ready or I’m going to say something wrong. That is healthy. But remember it is not permanent. The phrase above, “…as much as lieth in you…” indicates some genuine effort to resolve the issue between the two of you. Don’t let time delay become time wasted in this life. Instead, “Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5.16).
The second reason for delayed resolution is— ‘I’ve tried and I’m going to try again.’ Maybe they ignored you, or perhaps made light of it. You attempted to build your half of the bridge, but they wouldn’t meet you halfway. So maybe you should take time and ask God to change that person’s heart. Pray for them. As Jesus said in Matthew 5.44, “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” Yes an “enemy” can temporarily be a brother or sister in Christ. Love them and Pray for them is Jesus’ command. God can prepare their heart and your heart. This is the will of God so He can answer this prayer. In any case, you have already forgiven them right? I mean that is the declaration of the Scripture is to have forgiveness in your heart BEFORE you try to resolve anything, as Matthew 18 context explains. So even though this is delayed, you can now go back to them again.
The third and final reason for delayed resolution is— ‘Some conflict is simply not personal.’ When a judge gives a verdict that sends a man to prison, the convict may hate the judge personally for the decision he had to make. But the judge doesn’t have any problem with the person personally—he’s just doing his job. Or at least that’s the way it is supposed to be. Don’t let a look, or a statement, or a bad day unravel your own senses. You may need to delay, but if the delay lasts too long the mind takes over and it is a terrible liar. Your flesh is not your friend. The ‘old man’ in you will take the ought or the offense, or the possibility of one, and make it out to be way more than it was. Adjudicate the conflict sooner rather than later or else the festering will make it more personal that it should have been.
Someone may have a wrong heart attitude toward you. You may not even know it. But when you ‘read’ it on their face or in their actions and inactions—go to them. Wouldn’t it be better to remove the doubt and make it better. Jesus even said, “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. Agree with thine adversary quickly…” (Matthew 5.23-25a). Did you see the word: “quickly”. Yes, there may be three reasons for delay but go to them… and do so quickly. Remove all doubt in the relationship. People are hurting! In fact, Proverbs 18.14 states, “The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?” Your “spirit” demonstrates itself in attitude. If you see one, or you have one, why not clear it up.
Perhaps you’re saying to yourself, ‘This is tough.’ Yes it is but Proverbs 17.17 says, “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Do the tough stuff. The relationship in God’s house and kingdom is worth it. Paul said in Ephesians 4.3 that it requires an endeavoring focus: “Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Keep it where it needs to be, and once it isn’t, make all diligence to get it back. Do not let it linger too long.
Having difficult things to say must be done lovingly and graciously. It must be done prayerfully as well. But above all—be humble. For God to change your heart and their heart and for him to help you both see His loving grace overflows you both… you need to be humble. The way this is done it vital, and the sprit in which it is done is equally important. As Paul said here in Romans 12, “…live peaceably.”